


thank me later

by Fredwrites



Series: reasons wretched and divine [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Character Study, M/M, its just merle being sad, ok so technically ths is johnchurch but john is barely in it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 15:27:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16307780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fredwrites/pseuds/Fredwrites
Summary: He tutored the kids during the day and entrenched himself in the normality of it all. Hell, he basked in it. The weather was mild, a pleasant middle ground between warm sunlight and cool spring breezes. Merle thought about the sun and water and flowers and local wildlife. He didn’t think about kissing weird, extra-dimensional, world-eating ghosts. He didn’t.***After Merle has an unexpected parlay (dinner date) with John he finds himself adrift in his emotions.





	thank me later

**Author's Note:**

> finally finished w this....now all i have to do is write the next, even longer part of this series ;;

Merle missed him even more, if that was possible. Seeing John hadn’t put to rest whatever turmoil was bubbling away inside of him- it had just tempted it to the surface. He walked around with a constant froth of sadness leaping up his throat and he just had to smile through it.

_Who do you tell about this?_

He tutored the kids during the day and entrenched himself in the normality of it all. Hell, he basked in it. The weather was mild, a pleasant middle ground between warm sunlight and cool spring breezes. Merle thought about the sun and water and flowers and local wildlife. He didn’t think about kissing weird, extra-dimensional, world-eating ghosts. He didn’t.

Mavis sussed out that something was wrong right away- way too smart for her age. She was sitting and doing homework, drinking occasionally from a teacup. Merle was planning a celebration for the coming-of-summer in Bottlenose Cove. And he was concentrating on it really hard. The seat placement and what drinks they would have, and definitely not how oddly cool and porcelain the mouth of the Hunger felt on his own.

“Dad?”

Merle blinked. “Yeah, sweetheart?”

“What’s going on with you?” Mavis was looking at her father owlishly from behind her specs. They magnified her eyes, a wicked shade of green, to ridiculous proportions. Sometimes Merle thought she could see directly through him.

He feigned mild surprise and smiled neutrally, aiming to reassure. “I’m just fine, sweetie. Nothin’ to worry about!”

“You’re lying.”

Merle frowned. “You’ve been spending way too much time with Angus.”

Mavis raised her eyebrows. “He’s a good detective and he noticed something was wrong. And so did I. So I’m asking you, because I care about you- what’s going on?”

He sighed. Shit, she really had him. He could always tell when she had worked something out and dreaded hearing her usually correct assumptions. “Work, kiddo. It’s stressful, bein’ an adult.” He raised his eyebrows and pointed the end of the pen at her. “Take my advice- don’t grow up.”

Mavis snapped her book shut, looking even more defiant. “You’re lying about that too.”

With a resigned sigh, Merle slumped back in his chair. “Work really _is_ getting to me, I swear.”

His daughter hopped off of her seat and came to pat Merle’s back. She’d grown so much over the past few years, almost taller than him, and she’d cut her ginger hair short and neat. He knew he was going to miss her when she finally flew the nest- studying, making friends and learning new things. Being young. The pain in Merle’s chest reared its head and butted against his throat.

“I don’t know what’s really wrong with you,” she said, carefully, “but you’re a good, strong person despite all your flaws. And I love you very much. So no matter what, I think you’re going to pull through.”

Merle stared up at her for a moment, before getting out of his chair and swaddling her in a hug. “You’re the best kid ever, you know that?”

Mavis smiled sheepishly. “I’d guessed.”

He released her and started pulling pots and pans out of the cupboards. “I’ll make your favourite for dinner, how ‘bout that?”

“Hell yeah!”

***

Hekuba Roughridge was a decidedly good woman. She was no nonsense, funny and as handsome as the day Merle met her. She offered her ex-husband a cordial smile when he took Mavis back to her.

“Nice to see you again, Highchurch.”

“You too, Roughridge.”

She itched the stubble on her chin and gestured that he come inside. “We got some catchin’ up to do, huh?”

“Oh really?” he drawled, eyebrows raised. “Didn’t know I was allowed in the house.”

Hekuba squinted at him, her dark, warm eyes prodding at Merle. “As long as you don’t track dirt in, as you are prone to do.”

These were agreeable terms and besides, Merle had been laying off the “gardening” for his own good. Extra-marital affairs with plant life hadn’t really helped their case when they’d had to share a home. He followed her through the door.

“How’s the, ah, pearl farm?” Merle asked. He was looking around Hekuba’s house. Pan, it really was a nice place. Big, full, still homey somehow. She really was a member of the Coralheart clan. Merle couldn’t help but envy her, just a little.

“Productive.” She served two cups of coffee, made strong and sweet. If there was one good thing about their marriage, it was that the two dwarves had been able to drink coffee together and the arguments subsided for a little bit. (Then again, Merle’s near constant tea brewing had screwed the piss right out of Hekuba. She hated the smell.) “We’re making big numbers. Good for everyone.”

“Cool, cool.” Merle sipped his drink; looked out of the window to the sea rippling in the heat. “Glymeth?”

“Away. Doing business with other clans, seeing if we can benefit each other and that. I’m better at the agricultural stuff. Most people find me too abrasive. Hey- Mookie, you put that roll down right now you little tyrant-” Hekuba dashed over to their son, who was currently fishing bread out of a basket on the counter with an alarming amount of stealth. He squealed when his mother spotted him and somehow managed to wriggle out of her bearish grip, disappearing into the corridors of the house along with his spoils.

Hekuba shook her head and stared after him, a smile faint on her lips. “He’s somethin’ special, that kid.”

Merle smiled along fondly. “Takes after me, huh?” He hesitated. “Not too much to handle though, right?”

She snorted and returned to the table. “Yeah, fuckin’ troublemaker.” Hekuba shook her head, skated her fingers over her mug. “We cope, we cope. No worries. You alright Merle? I’d been meanin’ to ask about your life. You surprised me, I gotta say.”

He cleared his throat, trying not to look too pleased. “I did?”

“Of course, you bastard. You stepped up your game! Got a legit living, tried to rear our kids, became a damn decent ex that I _might_ just consider a friend…” Hekuba smirked at Merle’s hopeful, round eyes. “Plus the whole ‘saviour of the universe’ bullshit.”

“Thanks, Hecky.”

“Don’t call me that or I’m kickin’ you out.”

“Right, right.” Merle added another sugar cube to his drink; watched it dissolve. Hekuba rolled and lit a cigarette as she listened. “I’m...alright. It’s fun, being Earl. Relaxing. My friends are out doing more crazy, wild shit and I’m way too old to join in.” He chuckled. “Gives you a lot of time alone with your thoughts.”

Hekuba frowned. “Merle?” She dragged in a breath; puffed it out in a cloud of smoke that curled around her head in a halo. “You do know that I’m here for you, right? I wasn’t kiddin’ when I said all that. You _earned_ my trust, so I think you earned a little helpin’ out too.” She paused. “I mean, like everyone, I saw what you and your friends went through. That sorta stuff don’t leave you; I’m sure you know that. But...well. You should come ‘round again, alright?” She tapped her cigarette on the edge of the table and smiled at him. It was rough as her name, but inviting.

Merle thought he’d take her up on that offer one day. 

***

Merle decided to tell someone about John. It’d been keeping him up. It’d been wriggling underneath his skin. It’d been haunting him. He kept seeing and smelling and feeling the nothing of John all around him, every day and it was ruining his life.

He told Lucretia.

The two shared something, or at least Merle thought so. It was unspoken but sometimes they’d just go on a walk in the park or to a spa or even run away to some forest retreat so they could drink ungodly amounts of wine and laugh about how frustrating the world was to exist in.

Sometimes, the dwarf thought the only difference between himself and Lucretia was that he was better at pretending to fit in and be ok, mostly by making a total ass of himself. Maybe that made him a coward, but it was how he coped. Lucretia never judged him for it. She just smiled when she saw him. That’s what he wanted and that’s what she offered.

They took a weekend off of their duties to go and splurge on a hotel in the middle of Goldcliff. It was pretty and fun and there were things to do in town. Everyone knew them, because of course they did, but at most it would mean doling out an autograph or a blessing or two. It was worth escaping the pressure of their ordinary routines.

Lucretia waved at him from inside the lobby of the hotel. It was all cream, gold and decorated with art and flora. Not too shabby.

“Nice to see you again, Merle.” She was beaming at him, relaxed in his presence. Merle didn’t use to notice the tension when she was the Director but now, with how easy she moved and emoted, it was painfully clear that she had been miserable.

“Hey, you too, tiger.” Merle grinned as Lucretia as she punched his arm lightly and they visited their room. Two king sized beds, an entire minibar to themselves- Hell yes. Pan, he could not wait to just totally lose any semblance of responsibility and fuck around like he used to.

They dropped their luggage off before shooting out to traipse around town. There were stores- the two bought each other outfits just for the fun of it. A hundred years on the Starblaster meant that it was akin to shopping for themselves. Still, the dwarf barely resisted the urge to buy Lucretia a hot pink pair of sunglasses (instead he got them for himself.) They ate at a trendy little cafe that had cats in it- Merle wasn’t all that crazy about the things but Lucretia was losing her mind the entire time, practically crying into her lunch. That made Merle smile. It was worth it, even if their fur made him sneeze.

They went to the theatre, an activity they both enjoyed- Merle liked the music and the flashy performances and the bright colours and costumes. Lucretia liked to rant about the artistic merit and performances and dialogue and whatnot over a glass of wine. The dwarf would nod along with her, interjecting with a hum or an ah. They got along just fine.

As the day closed, they admired the waterfalls, Lucretia twirling a parasol in between her long fingers. She smiled off into the distance, her hair and eyelashes glowing in the evening light. The sun was sinking, hot and red under the horizon. Merle sighed. That was another thing- John had ruined sunsets for him. Every time he saw them now he thought of his old flame’s endless unhappiness and it filled Merle with it.

They arrived back at the hotel, worn out from the day and ready to pass out. Before that- drinks. They clinked bottles and cracked them open, sitting on the balcony. The moon was round in the sky and the air smelled sweet. Light pulsed in the distance, accompanied by the revving of engines. Hurley and Sloane were racing but Merle had been planning to watch them later that month- for now, he just wanted some peace and quiet.

“Beautiful night, huh?” Lucretia said. It was an empty comment but neither cared.

“Yeah. Tranquil.” Merle focused entirely on the great black-blueish sweep of the sky.

“Ooh, tranquil?” she giggled. “How terribly eloquent Merle. What happened to you?”

He shrugged, leant further against the balcony railing. “Guess I just feel different, you know?”

Lucretia sipped her drink; frowned. She scanned Merle’s face. “Did something happen?”

“I…” he made a noncommittal noise and rubbed the back of his neck; grimaced.

Concern set into Lucretia’s features. “You can tell me anything, Merle, ok? Please? I’d rather you did than suffer silently. It’s just- well. You’ve been quieter than usual, sort of subdued and distant and I…worry.” She laughed nervously. “I mean, I always worry. But more so right now?”

Merle smiled gratefully. “Thanks, Lucy. Really; ‘preciate it. I just...ok. Look. If I tell you this, you have to promise not to yell. Or hurt me in any way.

“Um...is what you’re about to tell me incriminating?”

The dwarf tilted his head, considering. “Not really by regular standards, but on, like, a cosmic scale? Eh, maybe.”

“Ok, I’m intrigued. Continue.”

He cleared his throat. Tapped his thumb against his bottle. “John is alive and we had another parlay.”

Shock couldn’t accommodate the expression on Lucretia’s face. “Fucking _what?”_ she said, voice hushed.

Merle chuckled uneasily. “Uh, jeez, ok, um...I know this sounds really bad, now that’s out in the open, but, ah, really! He- he isn’t bad anymore, I swear, he…”

“Merle! He ate whole! Entire! Planes!” With each word, Lucretia thumped her bottle on her open palm.

Merle realised that Lucretia- wait, _nobody-_ really understood the true extent of his and John’s relationship. Not even the kissing part, just them being friends, or quasi-friends- whatever. Merle had never cared to explain it to anyone. It felt weird, like exposing an organ.

“He- he’s part of the reason why the hunger didn’t even win in the first place! Really, he was fighting it.” Lucretia’s expression softened. “And before he, like- disappeared, he talked to me one last time. And, shit, he was so sad. I thought he died! And then he showed up again and I…shit. I’ve been messed up about it. I think about him all the Pan-damned time now. We were friends.”

“Oh. Merle.” Lucretia hunkered down to his level and placed a hand on his shoulder. “I had no idea. I’m...sorry.”

“No, it’s fine! Really. I never really told you the whole thing?” He cleared his throat. “I was kind of worried I’d get like. Thrown in the brig for, I dunno, fraternizing with the enemy or somethin’.”

“And you’ve been carrying around that weight this whole time! Oh, Merle!” Lucretia sniffled, all of a sudden overcome by tears, and she crushed Merle in a hug.

Lucretia was not the hugging type. Not that he minded, but Merle was beginning to think maybe they should quit the drinking and get some sleep. Once his friend had dried her eyes, she agreed and they got some shut-eye.

As Merle waited to fall asleep- Lucretia was already snoring, sprawled like a starfish across her own bed- he realised he felt kind of good. Lighter somehow. His dreams that night were iridescent.

***

The dam had been opened and now there was no shutting it. Merle wanted to tell more people about John. It itched at him, always, persistent and personal as a whisper. He could barely wash the dishes without wanting to yell about how much he missed John.

He called Davenport and let him know.

“The _Hunger?_ ” the gnome trilled, in his reedy, familiar voice. Merle missed being able to talk to him face-to-face, but he was glad his captain was off chasing his bliss and doing whatever those guys did. Merle could hear gulls and waves in the background of the call. Actually, maybe that was just outside his own house.

“Um. Yeah.”

“The guy that almost ate the universe?”

“That very guy!” Merle chuckled. “He ain’t that bad Dav.”

There was a beat. “I dunno, Merle. Leaves a sour taste in my mouth.”

“It’s...it’s going to be ok? I can handle myself, and him. Seriously, I promise. I don’t even know if I’ll _see_ him again, so…”

Davenport sighed into his Stone of Farspeech. “I trust you, Merle, of course I do. How couldn’t I, you dumbass?” There was a smile in his voice, but the dwarf could sense it wasn’t all happy. “Please try not to break space-time apart. Stay safe.”

He hung up.

***

Mavis smiled at Merle as she flattened dough with a rolling pin. Her hair was flyaway and her freckled cheeks were covered in smears of flour. She’d been pilfering cherries from the bowl on the counter and hiding the pits in her apron pocket (gross) when she thought her dad hadn’t been looking.

“What’s up with that grin?” he asked, taking the fruit before she could demolish their entire supply.

“Nothing. Just nice to see you happy.” Mavis began cutting the pastry up into pieces; so precise that Merle was shocked she wasn’t using some kind of measuring device.

“Oh, really? Don’t bother with me. I’m a boring old dude. I get happy when I see shit like, uh, a freshly mown lawn. Or a cool tablecloth. Or something. Also don’t tell your mom I said shit.” Merle widened his eyes at her and Mavis grinned. “How’s school? Mookie?”

“School’s good. Doing extracurricular is boring but gets me good-student points, so.” She shrugged. “Mookie is kind of a freak, as per usual, but Mom’s taking him to the doctor to see if they can, like. Figure out why he acts that way.”

Merle frowned. “Don’t call him a freak, Mavis. It’s not kind.”

Mavis muttered something along the lines of, _he totally is a freak,_ under her breath but Merle chose to ignore it. They could talk about it later. “So how about you and Angus?”

She blushed a little bit and put her attention back fixedly on the pastry, fiddling with the edges. “We’re getting along swimmingly,” she said. “Actually…”

“Yeah?” Merle had a teasing smile. Not too shitty, though. First and foremost, he was his daughter’s dad, and that meant being a supportive figure. And second of all, that meant being a total shithead.

Mavis punched him in the arm, leaving a ghostly imprint of flour on Merle’s floral shirt. “Shut up! Stop looking at me like that.” She took a deep breath. “Well. I just...like Angus very much. He’s a great friend. But I was thinking that, I dunno, maybe...maybe I should... ask him out? On a...date?”

 _Ok, Merle, seriously. Don’t fuck this up. She needs you to be a responsible, nurturing guardian with her best interests at heart and this is a very sensitive, formative moment for her. You got this._ Merle cleared his throat. “You should go for it, kid.”

Mavis blinked behind her glasses. “Really?”

“Whaddaya mean, _really_? Yeah, of course! Life’s way too short to wonder what you could and should have done, I know that. Besides, if you’re gonna ask anyone out, I’m glad it’s Angus- he’s a good egg, that kid.”

She smiled, a little wobbly. “You really think so?”

“Yeah. Yeah, kiddo, I do,” Merle said, and he was surprised to find his voice was rough.

Mavis hovered for a moment, before resting her hand on her dad’s and squeezing. She usually didn’t go for hugs- not even with Hekuba, or Mookie- but this got the message across well enough.

The pie was delicious.

***

“I dunno if this is, um, ‘by the books’ exactly, Merle.”

“Is anything we do ‘by the books’? "

Barry Bluejeans scratched his head awkwardly, drumming his fingers on his jeans (as usual.) “Ok, you gotta point there.”

Lup  gestured her wine glass in Merle’s general direction, red smile minorly devilish (as usual.) “Any reason in particular, my favourite dwarf, as to why you’re trying to drag the Hunger’s sorry pale ass back to our dimension?”

“He’s my friend.”

The couple paused; looked at each other.

“You know what,” Lup said. “That’s totally fair. We’ve basically broken, like, all the rules in the metaphorical book or books at this point in the name of, like, love and drama and shit.”

“RQ’s pretty cool about it,” Barry interjected, pausing from sewing up a hole in another different pair of jeans. “Pays to be your boss’s favourites.”

“Yeah, well.” Merle rubbed the back of his neck. “I...dunno if I’m going to get him back, even? I mean, I think I want to. But it seems like you guys know more about reclaiming souls and all that shit way better than me.” He paused. “Plus I don’t think Pan is mightily pleased about all this.” One of the leaves on Merle’s wooden arm twitched disapprovingly as if to confirm this.

“Hon,” Lup said, smiling sympathetically. She patted Merle’s shoulder, a little clumsily over the table. “We’ll keep an eye out for him. We haven’t seen his soul floatin’ around anywhere- right babe?”

Barry nodded. “Yeah. Either he isn’t actually dead or he got so fucked up by the Hunger that he just straight up doesn’t register on our radars. That or he’s one sneaky fucker.”

Merle thanked his friends and was on his way. When he slept, he dreamed.

*** 

Merle dreamt of the sea a lot now. Under it, above it, sitting on the sand by the waves. He dreamt of boats far off on the horizon that never reached him before he woke up. He dreamt of lifting a pair of binoculars to his eyes and watching a figure wave at him cheerily from afar. He dreamt of wide open skies.

***

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me, Merle.”

Taako was staring at the dwarf with his weird, cat-like eyes as if he couldn’t comprehend what was sitting across from him. Magnus, too, had a dumbfounded expression plastered all over his face. He had even stopped demolishing his steak in order to squint furiously at Merle.

“Aw, c’mon, fellas,” Merle whined, gesturing imploringly. “You understand, right? My best friends? My brothers-in-arms?”

“Uh, no, Merle. In fact I sometimes wonder if you’ve ever made sense, even once in your life.” Magnus jabbed his fork at Merle as if to emphasise his point.

“Oh, shit!” Taako exclaimed, waving his own fork around. A strand of spaghetti hurtled through the air and landed on a neighbouring seat. “For once in _your_ life, Magnus, the words coming out of _your_ mouth aren’t totally dumb, and also stupid!”

“Hey now.”

“Shush. We’re grilling Merle.” Taako calmed down, sinking into his seat and putting his interlaced fingers under his chin. “So, Merle? Just what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

Merle cleared his throat. “Uh. Well. I...want to bring John back. To the physical realm.” He placed his hands on the edge of the table. “This- this plane, y’know. Faerûn.”

Magnus stuffed his mouth full of food. Taako took a deep breath in and exhaled through his nose, putting his hands together and pointing them at Merle. “ _Why.”_

The dwarf tapped his chin, staring into his noodles as he thought. Taako had made dinner for their weekly meal and as usual it smelt delicious, but Merle couldn’t bring himself to eat. “Ok, Taako. You know how when Lup went missing-”

Taako froze, pupils shrinking to slits in a second. He jabbed his index finger, topped by an almost dangerously sharp manicured nail, right into Merle’s chest. He was uncomfortably close to getting spaghetti sauce all over his nice shirt. Merle was tempted to warn his friend until the elf began to speak.

“Now, listen here old man,” he said lowly. “If you open your trap and start comparing my dear angel of a sister- ok, maybe not an angel, but close enough,- to that motherfucker, I’m going to forcibly eject you from my pad. And that _may_ result in you losing some of your limbs, I don’t know, so-”

“Ok, ok, Taako!” Merle held up his hands. “That wasn’t what I was implying, I swear man.” Tension released from Taako’s shoulders and he backed off. “I- I know John isn’t the greatest guy on first impressions.”

Magnus’s mouth hung open and the dwarf was reminded of an oversized dog. “Merle, he _killed you a bunch of times_ and tried to kill _us_ a bunch of times!!!”

“Gross, close your mouth Mags, I can see what you’re chewing,” Taako snapped, flicking the human’s chin. “You have a good point, but let’s hear the senile old bastard out.”

“Well, _thanks,_ Taako.” Merle frowned at him. “Listen. What I was saying about Lup- I didn’t mean that they were the same person. I just meant that, when you miss someone, you really, really miss them. Sometimes it’s kind of hard to even live without them? And you feel like it’s your fault that they aren’t around.” He exhaled, seeing that Taako was still subdued.

 _“If,_ and only if, I manage to retrieve John from wherever he is, I’ll be the one dealing with him. Period. I’ll readjust him to regular corporeal life, I’ll keep him in check, and if worst comes to worst...then…”

“I’ll run him through with my sword,” Magnus said.

“Yeah, Magnus’ll run him through with his sword. How about that?”

Taako breathed through his nose, splaying his hands on the table. “If you fuck this up,” he said, evenly and quietly, “I’m gonna get the Raven Queen to lock you up for super-duper eternity. Got it?”

Merle nodded. “Loud and clear.”

“Good.” Taako picked up a stack of plates, ruffling Magnus’ hair on the way. “Now, help me wash the dishes.”

***

Istus wasn’t mightily pleased by Merle’s efforts. Most of the gods weren’t, the dwarf guessed, but none seemed too eager to discipline him. Maybe they were just tired of trying to chase him down at this point.

The God of fate had left him a call on his Stone of Farspeech, which Merle noticed when he walked into the hallway of his home.

 _“Hey, Merle. Ok so, I’ve been hearing about your mission to revive John and all that jazz and I just wanted to say- really not cool man. Like, seriously, I’m so disappointed in you. Did you really think I’d just be Ok with that? I’m literally the goddess of fate. I’m meant to make sure stuff like this doesn’t happen.”_ Her serious tone faded. _“Who am I kidding, I can’t stay mad at you. Hey, you still on for Blackjack with me and RQ on Thursday? Don’t be late, ok? Talk to you soon. Oh and PS- don’t fuck everything up too bad, little man.”_ Beep.

Merle made a mental note to mark it in his diary- he always forgot this sort of stuff- and started thinking about what he’d cook for dinner.

His plans were intercepted by Pan sitting at his table.

“Merle,” his god said, smiling warmly. The various potted plants Merle had scattered around the room had all converged towards Pan, tendrils and leaves stretching out as far as they could reach. “I hope you don’t mind me letting myself in.”

He was sitting with hooves crossed under the table, hands folded together on top of it. Every so often Pan would let a vine twine around his finger and would smile benevolently at it. A few vines had ventured exploratively around his shoulders and through the unkempt forest of his hair. He looked perfectly at home, early-evening light pooling across the brown expanse of his freckled skin. Merle bit back the urge to ask if he photosynthesized.

“You want some tea?” the dwarf asked, getting over his initial surprise about as quickly as the other several dozen times this had happened. On the first and second, Pan had warned him about his coming (first in the form of a message spelled in stones scattered across his porch, and then in the flower buds in his front garden.)

“Sure, why not.”

“So…” Merle watched a flame ignite under the kettle. He hovered over it for a moment before busying himself with dragging a stool over to his tea shelf so he could reach the really good stuff at the top. “What’s up, Pan?”

On second thought, maybe it was counterintuitive to put his favourite at the hardest to reach place. Whatever, he’d figure it out later. Pan had been tracking him with his muddy gold eyes lazily, an entertained look drawing at lips and brow. He was propping up his chin with one of his hands. The way his God looked at Merle often reminded him of a cat looking at their prey, or, preferably, someone watching a performance. There was something about his look that always made Merle’s stomach flip but he could never name it.

“I think you _know_ what’s up.” Pan’s tone was gently teasing, as usual. There was an edge this time that wasn’t there before.

Merle laughed as easily as he could manage, dimming the flame until it extinguished before the kettle began to scream. He poured the water into the two teacups, wooden hand trembling a little. His grip faltered and a spurt of water escaped the spout, splashing on his exposed fleshy forearm. Merle yelped in surprise, uttered a _fuck!_ And ran to the sink, fumbling with the cold tap.

“Merle?” Pan said, voice pitching higher than usual. He shot up from the table, vines retracting like a tangle of offended snakes. He’d encroached in Merle’s space in an instant, yanking his follower’s arm out from the stream of cold water. He’d pressed his fingers, with a fierce, near uncomfortable intensity, to the patch of inflamed skin. Merle sucked in a breath of pain and bore through it. The sensation subsided to a dull throb. Something cool and salve-like replaced it. Merle rubbed his arm, stepping backwards.

Pan’s voice was soft. “Are you alright?”

“I- yeah. I’m fine. Just a mistake!” Merle chuckled breathlessly, still rubbing at his skin- there was nothing there anymore. “You- you don’t have to do that, y’know?” He couldn’t help the frustration tinging his tone. “I’m an adult, Pan, jeez.”

“Sorry. I know that.” Pan didn’t usually betray many of his actual emotions- Merle guessed that was one of the perks of being an immortal deity- but now he looked perturbed. He was frowning, shifting on his hooves, linking and unlinking his fingers as if he didn’t know what to do with his hands. His gaze inched from the wall to Merle. “Are- are you-” he hesitated. “Are you afraid of me, Merle?”

Merle looked up at his God- his comfortable height and body that you could so easily sink into, like your favourite piece of furniture- his horns and fur and ridiculous hair and the lines on his face that somehow just made him look _nicer_ rather than worn out- his wandering, nervous eyes- and he finished making the tea in silence. He led Pan over to the table, pushed a cup over, and sipped his own.

He finished drinking, placed down the cup and folded his hands on the table. “I’m not afraid of you,” Merle said, finally, his tone even. “I’m afraid of disappointing you.”

Pan looked surprised. His short, calloused fingers were curled almost protectively around his cup and they flinched when Merle spoke. He breathed out a laugh, bemused. “I- what?” His expression crumpled. “Merle, I never meant to-”

Merle held up a hand. “Don’t, man, really. You don’t need to do that.” He sipped his tea again. Damn dry mouth. “Maybe this is just a complex brought on by the overwhelmin’ weight of saving the world and all that shit- thats what Luc would say- but recently, I dunno if you noticed?- I haven’t been doin’ too hot.”

“I could sense something was off,” Pan said, guilt permeating his voice. He hadn’t drunk any of his tea.

“Yeah, well, you sensed right. I just…” Merle gestured vaguely around his head. “I don’t know if anyone really...takes me seriously? Not my friends, not my kids, not even myself, dammit! It was just, y’know, coping, all the time. Cracking jokes and making a total ass of myself. And now I actually have to pull it all together.”

“You’ve been doing a good job,” his God supplemented, leaning forwards.

“Sure, on the outside, but it doesn’t _feel_ right.” Merle rubbed his forehead. “I love my kids _so_ much but shit, being a dad is hard. And I care about my friends, but it’s hard to even keep up with ‘em! Add all a’ that up with work stress and internal guilt that’s been stewing away for like a century and you get one miserable little dwarf.”

Pan swallowed; cleared his throat. Merle thought it was more for the gesture of it rather than actually having to do it, him being a God and all. “I never meant to put any kind of pressure on you.”

“No, no, I know that.” Merle offered him a smile. “But I- well, you tell me. What makes me special, Pan? To you, specifically. Why am I so much more important than your other followers?

Pan blanched at  that, eyes widening. His face pinkened. “Hm. Ah. Well, that certainly is a question.”

“I’ve had a lotta practice.”

“You’re not...more special…” Pan began, cautiously, tracing a finger around the rim of his teacup. “But you are different. I mean, obviously, you are _literally_ an alien.”

“True.”

“But you’re also not just a follower at this point, I think we’ve kind of established that.” Pan chuckled. “Uh, I mean...I suppose you’re my...friend?” He looked at Merle. “Am I to you?”

Something in Merle’s chest shifted. Shit, this was way too familiar.

“Merle?”

“Yeah. You are my friend, Pan. And you’re my God, and part of what I live for, and the source of my magic and everything.”

“Does that complicate things for you?”

The dwarf sighed. “I’m just, fuckin’ _destined_ to have complicated relationships with infinitely powerful entities, aren’t I?”

“Oh, my Merle.” Pan reached across the table and touched the side of Merle’ wooden arm delicately. A trail of pink flowers budded and blossomed from the elbow down to the tip of his index finger. “I wish I could fix this. I wish I could just _make_ you happy.” He was frowning.

“I learnt the hard way that that doesn’t work.”

“John,” Pan said, awkwardly, as if the word pained him to get out. “What do you _see_ in that guy?”

Merle shrugged. The more time he’d had to think about it, the less he really knew himself. What did he see in John? The guy was selfish, angry, egotistical. He loved the sound of his own voice. His favourite, and probably only, hobby was wallowing in his own misery. There was so much _work_ to be done and Merle had a plate that was already far too full- and yet. And _yet_.

“I dunno. Maybe I just care about him. I could be really fucking everything over for us right now, for literally everybody, but I’m still doin’ it! Does that make me bad, Pan?”

“Merle,” Pan repeated. He said the dwarf’s name as often as he had an excuse to, and everytime he said it he savoured it. When he said it like that, Merle felt a little helpless. Couldn’t place why. “You could never be bad. Not to me.” Pan paused; chewed the inside of his cheek. Shook his head; smiled affectionately. “If it would make you happy, then...I’ll help you. In whatever way I can. With that guy.”

“You would?” Merle’s face brightened. “Shit, Pan, tha-”

“I’m doing this because I’m sick of seeing you like this. It’s been on my mind all the time, I can hardly pay attention to all my godly duties!” Pan sighed. “Maybe that’s how you feel about him. But if he makes any funny moves- tries to hurt you, or someone else- I and likely everyone else is going to put an end to it- got it?”

“Yes, Pan, _thank_ you, I- shit, I swear I won’t let you down.” Merle was leaning over his side of the table. His God was grinning at his excitement but something about him looked a little wistful. He patted Merle’s shoulder and got up from his place.

“Merle...you- you stay safe, alright?”

“I will. Really, Pan, I won’t be takin’ any shit. Serious Merle is a go.”

The God chuckled and shook his head. “I care about you. Remember that. And call me if you need me ok?” He waved a little sadly. “See you soon, Merle. Work to be doing.” He winked, and in a flash of heavenly light he was gone.

***

Merle and Mavis were curled up on the couch like a pair of field mice, buried in blankets and on the brink of snoozing.  Merle had made coco and Mavis was on the brink of spilling it all over everything, her eyes sliding shut now and then only for sound from the TV to startle her awake again.

As time had passed, the weather had gotten colder and the leaves had shed themselves from the trees. Merle’s adventuring groups had moved to doing bonfires and wildlife identification and indoor activities- whatever he could conjure up to keep the kids active and out of their parents’ hair. He’d been planning to take them sledding, along with Mookie and maybe Mavis if she would let him. Merle liked the whole beach aesthetic and all but he was looking forward to colder weather

The frigid winds and tumbling, scraping leaves heralded change. Merle could smell it in the air, feel it in his core. He felt ready for it- nervous, sure- but he wanted it to come. Needed it almost. He just hoped everything else could withstand it.  

“Hey, Mavis?”

Mavis opened one eye a crack, flicking its gaze in Merle’s view. “Hm?”

“Do you trust me?”

Mavis furrowed her brow and considered, before smiling tiredly. “Yes, I do. Why?”

“I’m going to have a lot of work pretty soon and I don’t know how great I’m gonna do with all of it. So I might mess it up. And if I do, I’m sorry.”

“I feel like you’re trying to imply some kind of foreshadowing, but honestly I’m too exhausted to figure it out right now.” Mavis patted her dad on his shoulder. “You’ll figure it out.” She paused to yawn. “You always do.”

Merle squeezed her hand thankfully. “Thanks, kiddo. Bed?

“Yup.” She gathered her many blankets around her and shuffled off to her room. Merle got to work clearing up their mugs.

***

It was the first day of Winter, and Merle was standing on the sands of Bottlenose cove and staring down the black, tar-like expanse of the ocean with determination. All day, he’d felt charged up. His skin tingled, his hair stood on end, he could hardly stay still. There was _something_ was in the air.

Merle had largely closed his adventuring groups for the oncoming season- he’d need the time. He’d need so much time. _Oh, shit, oh shit_. What was he getting himself into?

The moon hung fat and heavy above, round and pale as a dumpling. The sky was so dark it blended with the sea, which roiled against the horizon. It lapped up the shore and froze Merle’s feet, so cold it made him jump.

And then, in the distance- one of the tallest waves Merle had ever seen. _Holy fuck, holy fuck, Pan save me,_ because it was surging towards him with a focused, furious speed, and then, and then-

It was as if the wave curled over the dwarf entirely, neatly missing his diminutive form and yet somehow hitting the rest of the shore around him- the impact so hard, Merle was sure he felt the ground shake

He lurched in the aftermath, trembling a little. _Pan on a tricycle_ , why hadn’t he tried to move? Merle was shaken from his paralysis by his peripheral vision catching sight of a shape. A distinctly, pale, wet, humanoid, _naked_ shape.

It was John.

Before Merle rushed to his side, shaking and swearing under his breath, he took in an eyeful of the sky.

Spilled out in the stars was the message: _THANK US LATER._  


**Author's Note:**

> check out my taz tumblr @ aubrey--little and send me writing requests!


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